From The Beer Parlour

Come, sebi you said you know Nigerian politics in and out, ngwanu, tell me, who is the governor of Lagos State? Ok, yes, Ambode, you got it right. Chai, that his campaign jingle is still ringing in my ear… Amboooo, Ambo! See, 2019, there will be no contest in Lagos; it will be waterslide victory lol. Oya, who is the governor of Kaduna State? Gbam, iji ya, Nasir El’Rufai; odi nkenke eme ile 1 of Nigeria! The man, who subjected the entire teachers in Kaduna State to an exam that exposed the level of wrath in our educational system; and the teachers were even defending the fact that they couldn’t score average? Odi egwu. Ok, you are showing yourself abi? Oya, tell me, who is governor of Imo State? Did I hear you say Okoro Hausa? Nna, afo taagi mmili o. But you are not even current sef. Oh yes, you are still living in the past. Okorocha has a new name, Akpuola Gi 1 of Igbo land lol. Dede, akpuola gi? Hahahahaha.   Hmmmm, I see you are proving to be bookworm ok...

Look, my brother, you are too much. Chai, ibu nno odogwu; anu nkanka mpi. Dike eji eje mba; ofu onye ana asi unu abiago. Gaa gaa n’ogwu, ijele nze, onye oma. Oh, so you like the names? That means I should continue abi? No wahala. Agwo tulu mbe 1 of Igbo land! Eke nolu ego ndi JAMB (python that swallowed JAMB money) 1 of Nigeria! Hiya, nwoke m, why are you frowning your face? Oh, because I mention JAMB money? No, I’m only saying you are a very powerful man na; what’s wrong with that? Ok, you think that story is fake? Very wonderfulity! Oya, open your ears very well.

Nna mehn, I’m going to Benue by the weekend jare. Did I hear you ask what I’m going to do there? Hmmm, you see your life? Sebi you were here ‘Wicked’ Wike went to Benue; you also saw Fayose visit, did you ask them what they went there to do? Were you not the one clapping for them? E don reach my own, you don dey ask JAMB question. That’s pure pashalility!

Nna, it looks like this is the period of letter writing; everybody just dey write letter anyhow. Hmmmm, but this Baba Iyabo is a character o. Just few days after he bagged his PHD, Dr Obj decided to use pa Bubu to test his newly acquired writing skills. Chai, baba bu onye nsogbu! But nsogbu dikwa na this country o. So, it took Baba's 'so long a letter' for the opposition to wake up from their slumber to remember that Pa Bubu has failed Nigerians? I once said it here that APC has successfully become both ruling party and opposition, but some of you called it beer parlour talk. Now, you see that we don't have opposition in Nigeria? This is very dangerous for our democracy, ekwuchakwaam

 Come, if I did not wish you a happy Xmas or New Year, biko don't vex for me. Somehow, its deliberate. When man pikin was busy hustling for ordinary petrol to fuel my car and run generator in the villa, who remembers greetings? It was a Christmas without merry.

Nna, kedu kwa nke na afio na this country? What's even going on between GTB and my brother Innoson Motors? Hmmm, nna erh, see as some of my people use this Innoson saga to revive their fading online profile lol. Nna, opportunity comes but once; just grab it and return to limelight, all follow.

But, wait o, ndi IMO, what is this news that am hearing about Commissioner for Happiness and whatever they added to it? Chai, onwero Ife mmadu ama nfu o. Somehow, I think Okorocha is his own problem.

My people, there's a serious problem in Libya... Umu Africa are suffering. They are being sold like commodities on an African soil... Slave trade is back big time. First, it started as mere rumour until CNN, the one oga Trump likes to describe as fake news channel, beamed it's searchlight on the sad incident.

Biko, what is this underground rift between APC and my Royal daddy Obi Of Onitsha? Na so people just dey hit PA Bubu online for "ordering" a whole Obi Achebe to come and meet him in Awka. Well, there were some, on the thread I followed, who felt His Royal Majesty should have accorded Mr President that honour by going to meet him during his first ever visit to Anambra.

Come, all of you that promised to wire some money for me to support my beer parlour tour, how far? Na so una go just dey make mouth anyhow, after I no go see una hand. Fada Nwanwosu , EnYi NdiYa ...Wetin happen na? I don spend my children school fees o, na una go pay back o. But chelukwa o, what is even wrong with my people? Last nite at the beer palour, one bobo was busy screaming, "this man in Abuja is not Buhari..." Nna erh, some people ewelugo their brain gwoo ji. Chai, you need to see how this guy was arguing and hitting the table; his boys were nodding in agreement. Egwu dikwa o.

Praise the Lord... My brothers and sisters, can you please shout hallelujah? Come, what's wrong with you? Ok, now I know, you don't want to share in my joy abi? Chai, you are funny o, so your problem is that I'm praising God from the beer Parlour? Nwoke m jee zue ike, so that bible you've been carrying about for years, you never read where it said, "no matter the condition, give glory to the Almighty?" Ndi uka, Ana eme nu. After Sunday service now, you will branch to the corner...Saint nwa Egbe.

Gov. Ikpeazu receiving Gov. Shettima of Borno You see your life? You no see me for some days now, you no even ask of me abi? Your own na to preach to me on how to occupy the beer parlour until time Imo River abi? Afo taagi mmili o. Well sha, I understand, thanks for always reading.

Nna mehn, I've been thinking about something lately and the thing na agba m isi popcorn. Ngwanu, let me ask you, how many political parties do we have currently in Nigeria? Did I hear you say PDP and APC? My friend stop counting your fingers biko, they are not as much as you think...forget what you see on INEC books.

At last, my brother and Deputy Senate Presidente Ike Ekweremadu has found his voice to speak on Biafra. So, it took the action of southeast governors to get a high ranking Igbo senator like Ekweremadu to talk? I thought that Okenye adi ano n'uno ewu amua na ogbuli?

Nna, since this Biafra wahala started, I find it difficult to go to be bar; afuro m Ukwu m ji eje. But last night, I summoned courage to take at least one bottle. Unlike the days we talked politics, IPOB and Biafra dominated discussions last night; every Tom, Dick and Harry had opinion. All through the session, I spoke little but did more of listening. Just as expected, that ugly question popped up. "Mr beer parlour gist, what's your take on this Biafra issue," a member of the bar from southwest queried.

COME o, who goes to the bar when his house is on fire? Nna, I'm still in shock over what is happening in my region. I'm afraid that this mmili n'elu, oga ama nama, maa Onye na achi ya. I will leave it at this. But this is what my friend Chilee Agunanna said about this ugly situation:

IT was a busy night at the bar last night; dancers, singers, comedians, actors, the whole place bubbled. But in the midst of the noise, we found time to talk politics. Mba, not Anambra politics this time; it was national.

Oya, hold it there, don't tell me am at the beer Parlour too early; this is about last night before you tag me "drunkard". The plan last night was to stop over at the St Bottles Cathedral and take one bottle before heading home, but the rain of yesterday had different plan for us. After waiting endlessly, guys were forced to network by fire by force and it turned out very interesting.

Amosun's flyover Obiano's flyover Hmmm, biko can somebody help me reach Onwa Oyoko Chief Chris Ngige; it's very urgent. I heard he said his party (I know you will say its my party too, amebo) will pull down the three flyovers in Awka built by my inlaw Willie Mmaduaburochukwu Obiano and I say "Mba" to that.

Sir Victor Umeh Last night, after watching the super eagles against the Indomitable Lions of Cameroon, I just decided to go take one bottle before going to bed; chilled Star Radler as usual. You know what, it was my lucky day; free drink all through. Now ask me by who? My Anambra brother, who was over excited; he came with a lady and I suspect she had given him tough time before she finally said "yes."