In Search Of The Snakes That Swallowed Our Money

Look, my brother, you are too much. Chai, ibu nno odogwu; anu nkanka mpi. Dike eji eje mba; ofu onye ana asi unu abiago. Gaa gaa n’ogwu, ijele nze, onye oma. Oh, so you like the names? That means I should continue abi? No wahala.

Agwo tulu mbe 1 of Igbo land! Eke nolu ego ndi JAMB (python that swallowed JAMB money) 1 of Nigeria! Hiya, nwoke m, why are you frowning your face? Oh, because I mention JAMB money? No, I’m only saying you are a very powerful man na; what’s wrong with that? Ok, you think that story is fake? Very wonderfulity! Oya, open your ears very well.

But come o, why are you in doubt that a python swallowed N36 million from JAMB office in Benue? In benue my brother, anything can happen o. Come to think of it, if ordinary isam fish could swallow a whole Jona and Moses’ staff could turn to snakes and swallowed other snakes, why is this one a very serious matter for you? Ok, because it happened under Buhari presidency? Enyie, biko calm down; jiri ya nwayoo. Very soon, you will acquire a honorary degree in Buharicriticism, hahahahaha, supu!

But let me tell you, pythons and snakes have been swallowing JAMB money from time Imo River. Oh yes, no be today. From Obasanjo to Yar’Adua and Jonathan, JAMB has been feeding pythons and snakes with millions of naira. Unfortunately, you are not really interested in catching the pythons; you are more concerned about mocking Mr President. Come, did you just call me onye APC? Ok, imalu onye ina agwa, bia metu ya aka lol.

Nwganu, did you hear that JAMB has uncovered another fraud of N26 million allegedly perpetrated by its former Nasarawa State coordinator, simply identified as Tanko? The development came barely one week after the board uncovered a N36-million fraud allegedly perpetrated by its Benue State sales clerk, Philomena. Tanko was said to have embezzled the money he generated from the sale of the scratch cards hitherto used by candidates to either gain access to the JAMB website for registration or other services.

JAMB spokesman, Dr. Fabian Benjamin, told newsmen in Abuja that the former Nasarawa State coordinator had apologised to the JAMB audit team for his inability to account for the money for unknown reasons. The officer, in his confessional statement, claimed that the unsold scratch cards were burnt when he was involved in a car crash, even as he failed to account for the ones he sold before a ban was placed on the use of scratch cards in 2016. Ifugo ebe mmili si baa n’opi ugbogulu?

JAMB’s head of media said that the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) and the police had been invited to assist in recovering money allegedly stolen by its officials in the Abuja headquarters and the state offices. He said: “In JAMB, we have nothing to hide. We run an open door system, where the public must have unfettered access to information, positive or negative, present or past.

  “The fact remains that the officer in question in our Benue office and many others found in similar situations in some other states diverted the funds before the coming of Oloyede.

  “But, be that as it may, management is working assiduously to arrest and hand over to the appropriate quarters this snake that swallowed our N36 million and a host of others still in our system.” Oya, let’s go in search of the snake lol.

My friend, wait o, don’t celebrate yet. I know you will start looking for those small, small snakes that swallowed ordinary N36 millions and other tachere money abi? Upe, that’s not my target. Me, I’m searching for Eke Ogba (python) that have been swallowing our money at JAMB before Oloyede came in. Oh yes, let’s go after them; forget this Philomena and Tanko; ndia bu obele njo.

Let’s reason together. If clerks in JAMB could steal that much, what do you think about the ogas on the top? Yes, because I know that soon, our attention will be diverted to those poor clerks; let’s go after the big thieves.

Well, I’m aware the Federal Government has ordered the probe of past heads of the Joint Admissions and Matriculation Board and the Nigerian Maritime Administration and Safety Agency over poor remittances to the Federal Government’s accounts in the past. The decision was taken by the Federal Executive Council presided over by President Muhammadu Buhari.

In fact, the Minister of Finance, Kemi Adeosun, who briefed the council about the performances of some government agencies, said JAMB for the first time remitted N5bn to the government’s coffers with a promise to pay the balance of N3bn compared to the maximum N3m per annum remitted in the past. Chai, Chai, come and see real pythons. N3millions per annum? All former JAMB Registrars, come and answer your names o; don’t even bring tribalism to this biko. You think this one is like herdsmen saga? Upe!

In fact, Buratai, oya organise another python dance biko. Mba, mba, not in the southeast biko; hanlele to JAMB office. Nna, ndia sulu mmadu akwu! Within his very short period in Jamb, Oloyede last July remitted N5bn, which happens to be the highest so far in the last 40 years of its existence? And you say Buhari is not fighting corruption?

My brother, the truth is that this war against corruption is a serious business that needs the input of all of us; it’s not a Buhari fight. In fact, Buhari alone can’t fight corruption. As we speak, there are snakes in this government swallowing from our common purse; we must deal with them today or tomorrow. I don’t care whether you are from my village or not, once you are picked, sai Baba, do the needful. Nobody is bigger than Nigeria.

I know your opinion about the current EFCC; they are picking only PDP members abi? No problem; that’s progress na; at least, people are returning money. As you have been dancing and singing Atikulated Atiku for 2019, biko when you get there, you see all these APC government officials, don’t spare any of them, including Buhari. Anybody, who swallows our money, he must vomit it; oga agbo ya live! Of course, if another government come after you, they must probe you; that’s my otakara suggestion.

But wait o, Atiku fighting corruption? How did it sound in your mouth? Ehmmmm, nna e get K leg true, true shaa; I don’t want another letter from Baba Iyabo.